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Sweaty Willy Richards
''- "I got five rules. And one of them is, there are no rules, so believe me when I say I don't give a f**k."'' - "You wanna cross the street, huh? You wanna cross the goddamn street, huh, bitch?" Sweaty Willy Richards is the local deity of Arizona, Earth, and the creator of mankind. He is the leader and founder of the Sweaty Entourage, as well as the founder of the S-Men. He currently poses as a middle-aged man working as a travelling therapist, but his known past occupations include real-estate agent, and professional wrestler. Appearance Sweaty Willy appears to be a middle-aged man with dirty and graying black hair, significant stubble, a cleft chin, and thick eyebrows. He is tall and lanky, and very pale, which he puts down to spending most of the middle ages shut up in a Gothic Castle. The modern Willy is rarely seen without his sunglasses and surgical mask, even at night, though it is unknown as to why he wears these. He generally dresses in dark pants and an untucked, collared white shirt. Personality Willy is grumpy and world-weary. He is also enormously egotistical, and likes to be right and in control of a situation. Despite this, Willy dislikes being in allocated positions of power that require any real authority or responsibility. Willy is quite wise and analytical, given his long existence, but often lets himself be distracted by petty arguments, indulgence (Willy is an alcoholic, a smoker, and partial to drug use), and trivial things. Despite this, and his constantly grumpy persona, Willy forms strong bonds to people the longer he spends with him, which is considered a weakness of his by other deities, as his friends are often only mortal. He also has some traces of morality and wishes to protect mankind rather than use it, if he often lets his own impulses get in the way. Willy is an obsessive compulsive hoarder, and his White Van and house are stacked with odd items from all sorts of time periods. This a point of contention with Karen Flannagan, who is an obsessive compulsive spartan. Willy holds some old fashioned believes, believing in 'tough love', and he is deeply sexist. His homophobia, which springs from his sexism, leads him to call people he doesn't like 'faggots' on impulse, a practice which has been almost stamped out of him by Martino. Nevertheless, Willy respects most his friends, especially Fergus the Fish, who he considers his special smoking buddy. Work Sweaty Willy takes pride in his work, which he is surprisingly good at. Willy is aware of the unfortunate coincidence of his name, and the fact that he loses customers over it. He works as a travelling therapist, driving a multi-purpose White Van that can transform into a submarine, space-cruiser, boat, plane, digger, and various other vehicles. Sweaty Willy's tag line is 'He comes to you'. In TV adverts for his business, Willy plays this song: Sweaty Willy is the nicest man that you'll ever meet! If you're feeling bad, or kind of sad, he'll come right to your street! In his big white van, as fast as he can, rushing to help you! Just hop inside and don't be shy, he'll have you feeling new! This song is often accompanied by an impromptu performance of the Supad Waggle. Most of Willy's customer's are not aware that Willy is a local deity, or the creator of mankind. However, some people, such as Bob Wompo occasionally contact Willy for his supernatural services. Trivia * Sweaty Willy is not related Chilly Willy, nor to Sweaty Jordan, the host of Sweaty Jordan Outdoors. * Sweaty Willy is a hoarder, collecting a number of items including magazines and shoes, which he hides in the cavities of his White Van. This puts him opposite to Karen Flannagan, who displays obsessive compulsive spartanism. * Sweaty Willy hates being referred to as 'William' or 'Sweaty'. He maintains that people may refer to him only as 'Willy', 'Sweaty Willy' or 'Mr Dicks'.